


rubatosis

by byeolbit



Series: these deep blue waters [1]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Lots of Angst, M/M, description that sounds similar to drowning, mermaid Taekwoon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 11:10:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byeolbit/pseuds/byeolbit
Summary: Taekwoon’s heart resides between the surface world and the seabed.





	rubatosis

_[**rubatosis**](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/post/28154792144/rubatosis)  
n. the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat, whose tenuous muscular throbbing feels less like a metronome than a nervous ditty your heart is tapping to itself, the kind that people compulsively hum or sing while walking in complete darkness, as if to casually remind the outside world, I’m here, I’m here, I’m here._

-x-

"You’re lost in thought again” Hakyeon said, setting a cup of hot chocolate next to Taekwoon. The sun would set soon, he could tell. The large orange-yellow orb hung dangerously close to the horizon, rays spreading and colouring everything orange.

“I just blanked out to be honest” Taekwoon replied, picking the mug up. He drew his knees closer to himself, trying to gather all the body warmth he could. Human bodies had very less tolerance to extreme temperature changes.

“Liar” Hakyeon said softly as he put his jacket around Taekwoon. Taekwoon glared at Hakyeon but said nothing in response. The only sounds were those of an old black and white film playing on the TV in the background. Some old romantic film that Taekwoon had taken an interest in.

“You know, it’s warmer here by the ocean than it is in the city. You would have hated it” Hakyeon teased, drinking from his own cup.

“I wouldn’t have hated it” Taekwoon insisted weakly.

“You would have complained a lot and always insisted on sleeping by the heater. You do that even now” Hakyeon reminded him.

“I’m not used to this human body” Taekwoon replied by the way of an explanation for his behaviour.

“I don’t think you are used to being human at all” Hakyeon said, his voice losing it’s boisterous volume.

“I am. This is my first winter!” Taekwoon protested.

“You know, we learn this while learning about habitats in school. But the temperatures in the deep oceans is much lower than the current temperature” Hakyeon told him. As a marine biologist, he knew that the merpeople resided in the depths of the oceans to hide themselves from humans. Taekwoon was used to the cold as a merman. That wasn’t his ailment, if Hakyeon had diagnosed the conditions correctly. 

“I...” Taekwoon faltered.

“You miss it don’t you?” Hakyeon asked. Taekwoon offered no answer or explanation for it. Hakyeon stirred the marshmallows that had remained in the cup with a small spoon. Normally he would love to eat them at the soft and gooey stage but today nothing held any taste that he found palatable. 

“I see it in your eyes. Sometimes when you bring lunch to my office at the aquarium, I see you staring wistfully at the fishes in the large tanks. I saw the same look in your eyes right now, when you were staring at the ocean” Hakyeon commented.

Taekwoon took a deep breathe, setting the cup in his hand aside. He said nothing, tugging on the seashell he wore around his neck. He turned away from the waves to look at his lover.

“It’s okay to admit that you miss home” Hakyeon continued. “It was where you lived your entire life. The punishment for living on land is too harsh anyways. Why can’t you ever return home?”

“I’m not supposed to!” Taekwoon said, snapping finally. “How can I be the one feeling guilty when it was my choice to leave in the first place?”

“So you do feel guilty about it” Hakyeon said, looking at his lap instead.

“Not about loving you” Taekwoon said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“I think you should go back to the ocean” Hakyeon said, determined to look at his feet instead of Taekwoon. 

“You can’t mean that” Taekwoon said, taken aback by Hakyeon’s sudden request.

“Cha Hakyeon take those words back” Taekwoon said, standing up and moving in front of Hakyeon.

“I mean it. You’re miserable here. I can see it in every little thing you do. You want to go back home” Hakyeon said, wiping his eyes.

“If I go back to the ocean, I can never return to land. Again. You know the words to the spell. The moment I touch sea water, I will never be able to come to land. To you. I can’t lose you” Taekwoon pleaded, dropping to his knees.

“And this is okay? You’re dying a little every day. This isn’t just homesickness Taekwoon. You fall ill frequently too. Living with me is killing you” Hakyeon said, looking him in the eye.

“How did you know?” Taekwoon asked, slumping. He had been careful about hiding all his symptoms. Merpeople would get colds too, he had lied, when he would wake up coughing in the middle of the night. Had Hakyeon seen the blood he had thrown up three nights ago when he thought he had been alone?

“How long did you think you could keep it hidden from me?” Hakyeon asked him harshly. 

“I... I love you Hakyeon and I am not going anywhere” Taekwoon said firmly. 

“Get off the floor before the cold marble worsens your condition” Hakyeon said.

“Won’t you miss me when I am gone? Do you really want me to leave?” Taekwoon asked him.

“I want you to live a happy healthy life. Maybe have a family of your own with tiny energetic kids who make your life frustrating” Hakyeon said, laughing bitterly. “And I know it won’t happen with me in the picture.”

“So you’ll push me away and discard me like a used teddy bear. You’re very cruel Cha Hakyeon” Taekwoon said.

“Maybe I should have been very cruel from the start. If I hadn’t saved you and we hadn’t fallen in love, then you wouldn’t have to live in such a pitiful manner away from your home and heart” Hakyeon said, leaning back and letting his hands support him. 

“I would have found you and fallen in love with you anyways. Do you think with the number of trips that you take into the ocean, I wouldn’t have run into you eventually? And as if you could have the heart to kill anything” Taekwoon scoffed.

Hakyeon laughed and Taekwoon laughed with him. The brevity of words felt odd, sticking out sorely amidst the serious life and death situation. The moment didn’t last long when Taekwoon collapsed into a coughing fit. Hakyeon rushed to thump his back, hoping that would ease the coughing.

“I really can’t stay, can I?” Taekwoon asked quietly.

“I’m afraid not” Hakyeon admitted. The setting sun finally went down the horizon, the last dregs of sunlight lighting up the tears in Taekwoon’s eyes.

“One more night. I need one more night with you” he begged.

“Darling, you have me forever” Hakyeon replied, parodying the bad romance movies Taekwoon had taken a liking to. Taekwoon rushed forward to capture Hakyeon’s lips in a fierce kiss. If he had only one night, he would make the best use of it.

-

It was three fifteen am according to Hakyeon’s watch. The shore was deserted, no one willing to wander out in the cold. There were still two hours till the fisherman gathered and rode out to the sea for a fishing trip. Ample time for Taekwoon to get away.

Taekwoon took off the slippers he was wearing but tied the bathrobe closer to his body. He felt the dry sand, under his toes. The waves rolled in, the water stopping a few inches from his feet and then receding again. The tide would rise soon, he knew. And he had to get going before the water came into the harbour and docked ships set sail.

“I can’t do this” he said, turning to Hakyeon. 

“You have to go” Hakyeon insisted. He wouldn’t let his voice falter now. He had to be brave for Taekwoon’s sake.

“I’ll find a way back to you” Taekwoon promised, taking Hakyeon’s hand. 

“I’ll visit whenever I can” Hakyeon promised in return. Both of them knew these were impossible promises to keep. Taekwoon couldn’t fight the magic of the sea witch. She was too strong. And Hakyeon would not get the funding required for multiple trips to the sea. But those were words that needed to be said.

Taekwoon gasped when he felt the water hit his foot. He kissed Hakyeon again, knowing he only had minutes now till his transformation back was complete. He deepened the kiss, his hands wandering over his back, trying to commit every curve to memory.

Hakyeon pulled away but let his forehead rest on Taekwoon’s. His love had always been taller than him and that was still a sore point for Hakyeon. 

“Go” 

Taekwoon nodded. He pulled away and walked into the sea, with his back towards it. The shore had a steep incline and would gain depth quickly. But Taekwoon couldn’t just leave Hakyeon like that. Hakyeon smiled and waved at him when he was up to his waist in the water, a tiny figure in the distance now. Taekwoon allowed one tear to fall, before taking a deep breathe and diving into the ocean.

His legs had started to burn, smooth skin giving way to shiny scales. Tiny pin pricks gave way to stronger sensations of pain and Taekwoon cried. 

A fatal mistake as he lost all the air in his mouth and his fins and gills hadn’t transformed yet. He struggled, grasping for air and water filling his half changed lungs. The coughing fit that came was the worst Taekwoon had ever experienced since he had transformed to human. His lungs burned and he started seeing spots in his vision. His entire view went to black and he felt himself sink.

The first sound that came back to him was the beat of his heart. 

It grew from a soft murmur to a pounding in his head and Taekwoon stretched. He pushed himself with excess strength, disorienting himself further. His legs were gone, replace by his old tail. His fingers were webbed and he felt the gills on his neck move to gulp more sea water. 

‘Hakyeon‘ was his first thought as he regained his senses and he pushed up to the surface.

The sun was beginning to rise, the sky having changed colour to light blue when Taekwoon’s head broke through the surface. He looked around, struggling to find the shore. He had drifted while unconscious and the current must have pushed him too far. He saw a ship in the direction opposite to the sun, heading down wind. 

That must be the way towards the harbour, he guessed. It was by no means an educated guess but Taekwoon could see the faint outline of another ship and he knew that ships avoided moving close to each other in the open seas. He pushed forward, his tail not moving as efficiently as he hoped it would. He prayed to the sea gods to help him go faster. It must have been hours but he had to return to the shore. 

He had to see Hakyeon and make sure he was okay. Hakyeon had to know that Taekwoon hadn’t abandoned him on that shore. Taekwoon had meant his words. So he strained himself, his body groaning in pain as it resisted the current. 

He saw the light house first, having heard the siren of the ship pulling out from the harbour. But he was on the wrong side. He hadn’t left Hakyeon here. He wove in and out of schools of fish, moving along the warm water flows as he came up to the secluded spot they had been in, hours ago. Covered by rocks on both sides, he could safely go above water without worrying someone would see him.

Hakyeon was still on the beach. He was sitting with his knees pulled in, head buried in his arms above them. He looked like he had fallen asleep. Crying no doubt, if Taekwoon knew the man at all. 

His heartbeat grew quick. 

He wanted to approach him... but could he still do that? Hadn’t Hakyeon asked him to leave so that he could live? Was it okay to give Hakyeon false hope by returning like this? What could he bargain with the sea witch to return to him? He had nothing to give.

“Can you take this to him?” Taekwoon asked the crab headed to the beach. He took off his seashell necklace and carefully draped it around the crab’s pincer, pushing it to the shore. 

He watched from a distance, as the crab struggled to walk onto the shore and reach the human. A pinch to his feet had Hakyeon jump, waking up immediately. He blinked a few times before noticing the crab next to his foot. He picked up the little thing, instantly recognizing the chain wrapped around his other pincer.

Taekwoon dove into the water as soon as Hakyeon sharply turned his head. He knew. He would understand what it meant. Taekwoon’s heart was beating wildly against his chest. He was convinced it would leap out of his body and swim to the shore since the rest of Taekwoon couldn’t.

Hakyeon didn’t have to see him to know. He would understand his message. That he was always near. Hakyeon could hear his voice along with the ocean’s when he listened to the sea shell. 

‘I’m here, I’m here, I’m here’ his heart beat. ‘And I always will be’

-The-End-

**Author's Note:**

> Come cry with me on my [Twitter](https://twitter.com/poojamk15?s=09) or my [Tumblr](https://vixxscifiwritings.tumblr.com)


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